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By Liane Kupferberg Carter
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1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal
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2. You have time to shave only one leg
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3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone
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4. Your kid throws up and you catch it
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5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, you nearly catch it but realize it's not you kid, and quickly pull away
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6. You consider fingerpaints to be a controlled substance
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7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching
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8. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station--and you do it
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9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons because your child still chews his toast into the shape of guns
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10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats
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11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend
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12. You hate the thought of his wife even more
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13. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes
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14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final
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15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you said, “NOT in your good clothes you don't!”
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16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you
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17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease
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18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids
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19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face
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20. You say at least once a day, “I'm not cut out for this job!” but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything
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