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Here we have gathered for Thanksgiving. The heralded opening day to the much anticipated holiday season; A time of togetherness and celebration. Or possibly food poisoning (it's still early.)
I'm thinking that everybody else in this house ought to just give thanks that THEY didn't have to cook for 27 people. This ought to free up some time for MY two cents in the Thanks Department.
Here's my modest list:
I'm thankful…
- … that I didn't actually have to kill this turkey, but got it hygienically packaged and hermetically sealed at the local A&P. I'm also grateful that my kids actually enjoy fishing out the gizzard package, because frankly, it grosses me out.
- … for a wonderful, healthy family, which has managed to elude most major illnesses this year, primarily by passing them directly to me.
- … that none of the pictures from the '99 New Year's Eve party turned out.
- … that grocery store carts now feature 5-point restraint systems.
- … that the Tooth Fairy didn't miss any scheduled visits this year, and managed to have plenty of small bills on hand -- so as to avoid late-night trips to the drug store to buy a single ribbed condom with a $20 bill like last year. Because it's very un-tooth-fairy-like.
- … that the Easter Bunny had the forethought (after last years' debacle) to make a list of where all the hard-boiled eggs were hidden.
- … that, when the cat ate the goldfish, he had the good sense to retch it up under MY bed, and not in front of the children.
- … that when my son took it upon himself to "trim" his sister's hair, he came to me and confessed, instead of trying to pin the blame on his large stuffed clown (which I'm rather afraid of).
- … that hair grows back.
- … that when my children lie, they clasp their hands behind their backs, thus causing them to respect and fear my lie-identifying psychic powers.
- … for gainful employment, in a vocation I can be proud of. (Not the humor writing - the other job.)
- … that the elevator at work no longer has that dead rodent smell, and that somebody (not me) was elected to climb up through that trap door to investigate.
- … for "pay at the pump." Not just for the incredible customer convenience, but also to avoid future incidents of watching my 4-year-old attempt to drive away with the car.
- … that Halloween was on a Tuesday this year, and my children got to spend the better part of "National Sugar Shock Day" at school.
- … that the nest of yellow jackets my son bludgeoned with a stick chose to come after me instead of him, thus necessitating a 16-hour convalescence on the couch - the longest I've had since my C-section, and rather a treat.
- … that a garter snake fell out of our tallow tree onto my son's head, causing him to develop an instant pathological fear of climbing that particular tree, which was never all that sturdy to begin with.
- … for the Heimlich maneuver. Who knew socks could be so dangerous?
- … for my good friend's observational skills, if not tact, when (at Church) he took it upon himself to point out that by misspelling my family-humor website by one letter, you get porn.
- … for those of my friends who have completely finished their Christmas shopping and wrapping. I'm sure they'll have plenty of free time to invite me over for coffee (so I can switch all the tags.)
- … for bubble wrap. Just on principle.
- … that during my sister's wedding, my 4-year-old daughter inexplicably chose to keep her clothes on THE ENTIRE TIME.
- … that peer pressure has finally persuaded my 6-year-old son to stop wearing those giant yellow plastic earrings.
- … that my children have grown to the point that we can walk down a sidewalk without worrying about the "cracks." And I'm sorry I shrieked that one time, because it took them months to recover from the trauma.
- … for my beloved (and well-trained) husband, who knows better than to complain if the turkey is dry, or the gravy has cranberries in it.
- … for my wonderful extended family, all of whom are here tonight -- but none of whom would dream of crowding me in my kitchen, or risking a broken dish by attempting to carry it.
And finally, I'm thankful…
- … that nobody takes me (or my cooking) too seriously.
I return you now to your regularly scheduled Thanksgiving feast.
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